


One More Goodbye

by startrekkingaroundasgard



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Goodbyes, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, New Year's Kiss, Slow Dancing, mention of injury, slight depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 01:24:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17254988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startrekkingaroundasgard/pseuds/startrekkingaroundasgard
Summary: Bucky and the reader say one more goodbye on New Year's Eve





	One More Goodbye

“What are you doing out here, doll?”

“Just thinking,” you said, resting your elbows on the balcony edge and staring out across the city. It wasn’t often that you and the rest of the team came back to the Tower but Tony had been feeling nostalgic this year (that or he was sick of people trashing your shared home at the Compound) and had decided to throw his annual New Year’s party here instead. 

The city was beautiful at night. You’d always thought so but it was especially true during the holidays. The bright lights below sparkled as far the eye could see and, at least for tonight, the usual manic, spiteful energy of New York had been replaced by a general feeling of hope and goodwill for the year ahead.

No matter how you tried, though, you couldn’t push the melancholy from your heart. These last 12 months hadn’t been easy on anyone but you bore the scars of its efforts more than most. Wakandan technology was incredible but there were some damage that even Shuri had been unable to fix. After the incident, she and her team had restored most of your eyesight and fitted the best hearing aids that they could design but the world seemed so much dimmer now.

“You need this more than me then,” Bucky said, handing you the champagne flute in his hand. He shoved his hands in his pockets and leant against the railing, staring back into the party with its glaring lights and loud music instead of down across the city. Perhaps understandably after everything he’d been through, he wasn’t all that fond of heights.

You downed the contents of the glass, unable to taste the expensive alcohol. The accident had taken that away from you too. It wasn’t fair. You’d escaped with your life, barely, but sometimes you wished you hadn’t. What was the point of living if you could barely feel? Your skin tingled as a warm trickle of blood ran down your arm and you placed the remnants of the shattered glass on table beside you, barely blinking at the sight.

Bucky didn’t say a word. Instead, he removed his tie and wrapped the silk fabric around your bleeding palm. Cradling your hand, he bent down and placed a soft kiss over the ‘bandaged’ wound. He wiped the tears gently from your cheeks, closing the distance between you. “You’re alright.”

“I can’t do this anymore, Buck. I can’t.”

“What are you saying, doll?” His hand was trembling against your cheek. For a moment, you pretended that it was from the cold but the you couldn’t ignore the genuine terror in his eyes. “You didn’t come out here to… You don’t mean…”

“There’s easy ways than jumping. Less messy.” You tried to smile, to play it off as joke, like you hadn’t truly been considering it. Judging by his expression, you were less than convincing. You shouldn’t have been surprised; since you’d yet to convince yourself, there was no way you could lie so convincingly to him.

You rested your head on his shoulder and he immediately brought his arms around you, holding you tightly against his chest. His hands were warm against your skin but did little to melt the ice in your heart. Bucky wrapped his blazer around your shoulders, visibly glad to be out of the restrictive jacket anyway, before bringing you back into his arms.

“Hey, now. Enough of that,” he said softly, leaning back and gently cupping your cheek. Bucky stroked his thumbs softly over your temples, trying to soothe the tension on your face. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”

You let out a harsh laugh, like acid on your lips. Before he could take back the offer, or perhaps before you lost the nerve to bring voice to the words, you launched into thoughts that were tearing you apart. “Just look at this. It’s a joke. We’re all up here, decked out to the nines, drinking and laughing and pretending that everything is fine. All the people here celebrating our heroics, they think we are indestructible but if they knew the truth… Who can believe in someone to save them when they know just how broken they are? I can’t stay here and pretend to be okay. I won’t be sent out into the field like this and have one of your deaths on my conscience.”

“You’re quitting the team.” It wasn’t a question, didn’t even sound like one. He didn’t seem the slightest bit surprised either, making you wonder how many times he’d had similar thoughts.

“I don’t feel like myself anymore. I need to get away and work out how to keep living without this life as a distraction or safety net.”

For the first time that evening, a smile tugged on his lips. It died quickly but it had been real. “What we do is hardly safe, doll.”

“It’s familiar,” you shrugged. “I go into the field and know that I might not come back. You know what’s awful? That makes me comfortable and it shouldn’t. It should terrify me but instead it’s like a warm blanket around my soul. How can I do my job properly if I am willing to take risks because I don’t fear the consequences?”

You half expected Bucky to try and talk you out of it. Maybe a part of you wanted him to try and make you stay. He wasn’t like that, though. All he asked instead was, “Where will you go?”

“I don’t know. This feels like the beginning of a new journey.” You grimaced, hating how cliche that sounded. This was probably the single biggest decision you were going to make, giving up everything you had worked for and, to all intents and purposes, running away while you still could. Shaking your head, you whispered, “I’m scared, Buck. What if this is the wrong decision?”

“No one knows what the future holds, doll. Wherever you choose to go, whatever you end up doing, I’m sure you’ll find what you’re searching for.”

“I don’t know what I’m looking for.”

“No one does until they find it.” Bucky’s gaze wavered briefly as he swallowed whatever words he’d been about to say, looking momentarily lost as he stared out across the city skyline. When he turned back, he slipped his hand into yours, a gentle - hopeful - smile on his face. “Would you dance with me?”

“You know I don’t like to dance, Buck.”

“Just one? Please? The night is almost over.”

You couldn’t find it in yourself to say no to him, and didn’t really want to either. It wasn’t really dancing what you did together, more just swaying to the slow beat of the music. You danced with your cheeks barely touching, holding each other close. Bucky stroked your fingers with his thumb as he held your joined hands against his chest, the beating of his heart revealing the way he really felt - as if you didn’t already know.

Nothing else in the world mattered; not the cheers of the party as the clock struck midnight nor the fireworks in the distance. It was just you and Bucky, clinging to another as if this was the end of everything. For a moment, you almost considered staying but that traitorous spark of hope vanished as quickly as it had come. You couldn’t be the person he deserved until you were whole again. You weren’t sure if that day would ever come.

The harsh bite of the freezing wind snapped you from your dark thoughts, a sharp reminder to enjoy the moment while you could. After all, in this uncertain world happiness like this was so rare nowadays. You didn’t want to waste it. As you slowly pulled back from his embrace, you traced your fingers down the line of his jaw, committing the lines to memory. “Happy New Year.”

He leant into your touch, exhaling shakily as if he could hardly believe you were real. His fingers on your waist tightened ever so slightly, scared to let you go. Knowing the moment he did, that he would probably lose you forever. “Happy New Year, darlin’.”

Closing your eyes, you whispered, “I can’t stay, Bucky.”

“I would never ask you to,” he said, leaving you with no doubt that he truly was too good a man for you. Bucky brushed the tear from the corner of your eye, leaning down to rest his forehead on yours. Stroking your neck with his metal thumb, you caught his sad smile as your eyes flickered opened. “It’s not like this is goodbye. I’ll see you again. I’ll visit, come sun or rain.”

“Say it anyway. Please.”

“Doll…”

You could hear his heart breaking in that single, painful word. It had to be this way, though. There wasn’t another option for you. Forcing a smile onto your face, feeling the cracks in your facade already beginning to show, you said, “What’s one more goodbye, really? After all the ones we’ve already shared. Please. I don’t care how you say it. I just need to hear it, Bucky.”

He tried but the words just wouldn’t form. He just couldn’t say it to you. Not this way. But he knew how important it was to let you go so he said goodbye in the only way that wouldn’t tear his heart into a million pieces. He kissed you.

Soft and sweet, his lips barely brushed over yours, light enough that you could almost mistake it for the wind. Beneath that gentleness, though, you could feel the intensity. Bucky cared for you fiercely, more than almost anyone else in the world. He would do anything for you, even if it meant doing the one thing he never wanted to do: watching you leave.

Tugging his jacket tighter around your torso, you leant forward to kiss him again, your lips lingering on his cheek. You threw your arm around his neck and held him tightly, whispering a soft thank you in to his ear.

By the time you pulled away, you’d steeled yourself. Pushed all your emotions down, so far down that you could almost forget they existed. You moved to take off his jacket but Bucky shook his head, claiming it looked better on you anyway.

You shoved your hands in the pockets and stared at the ground. You didn’t want your last memory of him to be sad. Biting the inside of your cheek to force back the tears, you took a deep breath and finally spoke the words weighing heavily on your chest. “Goodbye, Bucky.”

As you turned to walk away, refusing to look back, the tears falling freely now, you heard him whisper, “Goodbye, Y/N.”


End file.
